A letter to the BOE of Frederick County Maryland, by a very tired mommy crusader.

A letter to the BOE of Frederick County Maryland, by a very tired mommy crusader. 

 

Hello,

I am Becca Clark, a parent, PTA volunteer, and substitute teacher at UES, and I am very tired.

Most of you remember me as the “bathroom crusader”. I started advocating for Urbana Elementary and our lack of resources in 2011, and I am still here.  I was told Urbana Elementary would get a much needed renovation in 2012, 2015 then 2017, now 2018, or never. I am still here. UES had its last renovation in 1977. 1977! We have open classrooms, often separated by cabinets or shower curtains. I know most of you know this because I have shown you around our school to show you that we cannot adjust to overcrowding like many other newer schools. You agree with me, promise me that something will be done. You promise me that you won’t forget us. Then you do.

I am tired. I tell you each year that we are the fastest growing community in the state of Maryland. I tell you that every new school in Urbana has opened at or above capacity. I tell you that we are still growing in Urbana, with about 700 new residences to be built in the next few years. I tell you that the numbers the BOE uses for children per household is off by about 200% in Urbana. You know, you say, you’re working on it. We need another new school, not just to alleviate crowding, but to keep things the way they are, which still isn’t ideal. You nod your heads, you promise change, but I’m still here.

I tell you about our hallway, we only have one. I tell you about our lockdown drills, where we have kids in closets and bathrooms. I tell you about our bathrooms, where kids wait in line during instruction times. You know, you say. Something will be done. Yet here we are.

Maybe you think that because we live in Urbana we can handle it. There seems to be a lot of bias about our community from those that don’t live here. But I invite you to really look at us. We are a very diverse community of scientists, teachers, farmers. We have first generation Americans and families who have lived in Frederick for generations.  We have kids in wheelchairs and kids in the spectrum navigating narrow, makeshift hallways, and loud, distracting open spaces. Yet they love it here, because we are a family. Again, it’s not ok to expect our kids to adapt to this year after year.

Our teachers are amazing. They teach in classrooms where you can hear every word being said in the classroom next door, because there is no door. Yet they teach, and the kids listen. And they excel. That doesn’t mean that it is right or acceptable to expect them to continue to do so.

I am tired. Tired of asking you to help us at UES. Now it’s community versus community, and it is extremely not fair. I know you have a very hard job. But it is a job you said you would do. Over and over and over again. Please do it. Please help us. I’m begging now. And I’m still very tired.

Becca Clark

Free Hug Friday

I like to spend my free time at my kids' elementary school. It's a happy place, and they usually need a lot of help, so I'm happy to oblige. A few years ago I noticed that there was always a need for substitute teachers, so I got certified and boom! Now I help out at the school and they pay me! Win /Win. 

This winter, I was on a 6 week assignment for a little boy who needed a little extra guidance. Part of my job was waiting for him every morning. He wasn't the most punctual kid. 

So, while I was waiting for him to arrive, I was watching all the kids come into school off the buses. 

Being the shy person that I am, I was able to greet most kids by name. And, this being an elementary school, most of those kids wanted a hug to say "Hello". 

Sure, why the heck not? Mornings are tough on all of us. I know I don't always get a chance to hug my kids as we race out the door. And school is hard. This kids work hard all day. I know, I push them. So why not start the day with a hug. A reminder that you are loved and that you're going to have a great day. 

Free Hug Friday was born. 

Our School Store is open on Friday, so I sat across from the store and offered my free hugs for anyone that needed them. Clearly, it was a hit from the start. 

I had kids lining up for hugs. Kindergarten through 5th grade. And really, 5th graders need hugs too. I have luck hugs too. Kids that get my hugs on Friday mornings do better on spelling tests and book presentations. Teachers need hugs too. Free Hug Friday is for everyone. 

When my assignment was up, and I was thinking of sleeping in on Friday, I couldn't do it. Kids in the bus line on Thursday afternoon would remind me that Free Hug Friday was tomorrow. Done. 

I'm in it. 

Now it's summer. I don't get to see the kids every Friday. But, when I'm in a restaurant and 2 little kids come charging at me for their free hugs I smile and tell their parents about Free Hug Friday. 

They usually already know. 

I fucking love my job.

Shouldn't We All Have An IEP?

This winter we had awesome news: Jonny would no longer need an IEP (Individual Education Plan) in school for the time being. He is doing better with transitions, his speech has improved so he can (and does! Holy shit!) communicate with his friends, and his motor skills are improving so he doesn't need help to perform school tasks. 

Now, don't get me wrong, we still have to do. Jonny uses absolutely all of his energy during the day to focus in school. To handle those transitions, to speak in public, to work in groups, to make and keep eye contact. So by the end of the day, he is toast. He needs half an hour every day, minimum, of "Jonny time". Time where he can be himself and there are no expectations. Quiet time. No expectation time. And we give it to him, because that's what he needs. And it's OK that he works hard in school. He should. That's his job.  And we help make his job as easy as possible, on all of us. That means we wake up 2 hours before we leave for school, so the transition is smooth and not rushed. No one is nice when mornings become an emergencies. Especially little boys who really don't like wearing shoes. Or pants.

Also, Jonny still does not tie his shoes or ride a bike. The former hurts him (too tight) and the latter is still too difficult. So, for the time being, we don't push. There is not a requirement to ride a bike or tie your shoes to graduate high school. Believe me, I asked. Really. I did.

But still, this IEP thing is a big deal. My baby hates being singled out, hates attention, so to no longer be pulled out of class for another class is a big deal for him. It's also a big deal for me. 

I'm not a huge fan of labels. I know my kid is different, but we all are. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me my kid needs a little attention, and nor should anyone else. Every kid needs individual attention, despite the what it says on their "permanent record". No kid can fit in a box. And we shouldn't try to put them there. In my opinion, we should all have IEPs.

I say it often. School was not made for introverts. I don't think I ever knew that until I started raising one. Group projects, public speaking, even fucking recess! Everyone has to get along all the damn time. And if a kid want to be by himself, he's weird, or "special". That sucks, because even though this is the world and I firmly believe that my kids have to adapt to it, it's also OK to do your own thing. Or it should be. I

So there we are. Jonny's a regular kid. Newsflash 

The best part though is that he had no idea he was ever any different. 

Now lets just keep hoping they make big velcro shoes.

Summer

Every year, I take the kids and we leave our suburban enclave for the wilds of West Virginia.
Now, don't get me wrong. We are not in a cave in the woods. We are in an air conditioned, pimped out cabin in the woods. With a hot tub. I may love the woods but I'm not a savage. When hanging out with no one but your kids and your grandmother in law for 6 weeks, mama needs the hot tub.

So we do this for several reasons. The first reason I started it was the air. 3500 feet is my wheelhouse. Not too thin, not too humid. Just right. I don't have to hide inside in the AC all day or attach myself to my nebulizer. I can be an active parent to my active kids, which I kind of like to do. Most of the time.

The next reason is money. Despite the cost of renting a house for 6 weeks, it's actually cheaper than sending my kids to camp all summer. My kids need structure. They need a schedule. Especially Jonny. If that boy does not know what to expect every day, then we will have a meltdown when trying to get from A to B. If we were home, we would be be busy. And we would spend money to either be in camp, or do stuff. Renting the house, and being outside where we can hike, ride horses, and play every day, actually turns out to be cheaper than staying home. Plus I get to be involved. Camp Mommy. Yahoo.

Now the reason we keep coming back, the people. We have made a second home in West Virginia, and it has nothing to do with a physical structure. The people here care about myself and my family. When Jonny or Sydney struggle on a trail, they struggle. When they lead a trail ride for the first time, they all triumph. And they understand. They get it. They don't judge. Having one kid who is type A and another kid with a sensory processing disorder is not a walk in the park.
We make a big freaking deal about muddy books and celebrate mistakes. And they help.
I love the friends we've made in West By God. And I'm pretty sure they love us. And that, my friends, makes a kick ass summer, not sand in your toes.

Normal is a setting on the dryer

I saw a picture on the web the other day. The little girl asks her mom what "normal" is, the mother responds that it's a setting on the dryer.  If that doesn't sum up my life so far, I don't know what else does.

As I get older, I get more and more sick and tired of people trying to put me (and my family) in a box. Yes, it's true, we love labels. They make classifying things super easy. I love labels too. For my sewing supplies and kids' toy bins. After that, not so much.

• I am a city girl who likes Art Museums and concrete and riding horses in WV and hiking in mud.
• I  am a gun owner who thinks that universal background checks are a good thing. I also think that if you don't want to tell me what kind of gun I can own, you sure as hell shouldn't tell me who I can marry.
• I curse like a sailor for many reasons, but one of which is that I don't like society making rules for me.
• I am a substitute teacher who loves the constant change and challenge.
• I also get tired of all those adorable little angels sometimes, and I enjoy my quiet time.
• I collect coins, and cowboy boots.
• I learned how to sew a couple of years ago. I like it.
• I like historical fiction and stories about vampires. Preferably together.
• I continue to take karate after my daughter decided to stop, because I like it. And because it's something I can do for myself. And I love the workout.

I am trying to teach my kids that we don't have to fit in boxes. My daughter loves softball, and math, and dolls. She has a lot of friends that are boys. Sometimes she gets some 9 year old attitude from her friends because she doesn't fit a stereotype. I ask her, what fun is that?

My son is a HUGE kid who is not crazy about sports. He will not wear jeans. ever.  He loves animals, has a smallish number of amazing friends. He's not a huge fan of birthday parties or large crowds. He's introverted, but crazy when you get to know him.

My husband is also not small. He is very smart. He is introverted too. And he gets bigger when he thinks that I or the kids may be in danger. It's really handy at sporting events. He likes to hunt, and he collects tropical fish. He also really likes me and puts up with my shit, and he is the forest through my trees. I know, weird right?

We live in a biggish house in the burbs with his parents in the in law because it works for us. His mom has special needs, but don't we all?

We're going to Disney World this summer for the adults as much as the kids. And we're going to WV for the rest of the summer because it work for us.

Sorry if  we don't fit into a box, or a setting on the dryer, but I kind of like it that way.

The Light Switch Has Turned On!

I was substitute teaching in the kids' school yesterday when Jonny's teacher beckoned me over. Our school has no walls (don' get me started), so the beckon is not a tough thing to do. Guess who has not only met the grade expectations for reading, but exceeded them? Damn right!

Was I happy? YES! Surprised? Hell no.

Since he has been in various preschools, I have been told

• Jonny has a speech problem (he does, but he is now improving thanks to the help of a therapist, and is now seeing her only once a week).
• Jonny may be autistic (he's been tested. Nope)
• Jonny is a powerful child with a strong personality (No doubt. Look at his parents)
• Jonny may have sensory processing issues (He does, and they are mild)
• I am a pushover and need to "put my foot down". 
• I am crazy and he's doing just fine. 

Some of these things may be true, they may be not. But we have to keep going and find out what works for us, and for Jonny.

I have a dear friend that I met through the grace of God a few summers back. She saw the specialness in Jonny, and both my kids.  The kind nurturer that he is, and the nervous wreck that I was. Jonny wanted to ride ponies on vacation since he loves animals. However, if you bark commands at him and expect him to let you just lift him up onto a saddle without even a hello, you have something coming. Angie saw this, and has been a part of our life ever since.
She is working on a presentation about Jonny for a conference: "Letting Go of Preconceived Ideas and Experiencing Success in the Classroom". That's us. Boom!

So this is what I wrote her:

The thing I wish I could scream from the mountain tops is not to put your kid in a box, and not to let others do so as well. It may be easy to slap a label on a kid, but you have to look beyond that., You have to look beyond your own issues and hang ups and preconceptions about what or who your kid is, and deal with what you have. Because it's usually pretty great. Tools are great, and it's great to know "why" things are happening. But once you figure out the why, you have to deal with the how, and teach your kid to deal. Find the great and nurture it.

 

My kid is loving, and nurturing, and sensitive, and he loves animals. They give him joy, and something to talk to that won't judge him, and a source of confidence. So I use that, and it has been amazing, for all of us.

 

We as adults take a lot of liberties. We want kids to all be extroverts. We want to be able to touch kids on their heads, or give them hugs, without a protest. Not all kids are like that. Do you like getting hugged by strangers. Does it take a grownup some practice to look someone in the eye? DO you like it when people can't understand you and keep asking you o repeat yourself?

 

My son has sensory processing disorder. He has a trouble getting over stuff. He wants things to be a certain way, and when they're not, he has a hard time with the transition. The tough part is that some of the time, this leads to tantrums. Or fits, or completely freak outs.

 

They used to make me crazy, But this is not about me. This is about him. I have learned (through my parent coach) that what is watered will grow. I do not water his tantrums by feeding them. I stay close, but I don't yell. I just keep a normal tone and I tell him I will be here when he' ready. Because I will.

Jonny has made huge strides with the help of others. With Angie, Dan, and Keith, he has gained a huge amount of confidence in 2 summers. This confidence has carried over into his school and home life. With the help of his teachers and reading specialists and speech therapists and occupational therapists he is moving ahead. He is doing so well he doesn't even need some of them anymore! This is great, because he really hates being pulled out of class. That in of itself is amazing, since just a year ago he hated school. Now he doesn't want to miss any of it!

And a huge shout out goes to his sister, who reads to him every night and will kick your hiney if you say anything bad about her brother. Really. She will.

 

I recently found out that he has jumped 5 reading levels since the start of the school year! He is now above grade level, not below!

 

The light switch has turned on. But we're not done yet. We have to maintain. And I am so grateful to everyone who has helped to make this happen. It really does take a village.

And if you see Jonny, DO NOT CONGRATULATE HIM. He doesn't like the attention. Just say hi and tell him he looks good. He likes that.

City Mouse and Country Mouse

I am a city girl. I grew up in a city. I lived in a huge apartment building. I took a taxi, walked and took public transportation to school (depending on my mood).  I love concrete, art museums, and being surrounded by people who don't know me and don't want to. Really, I do.

But there is something out here in the mountains of West Virginia that I love too. The clean, mountain air at 3000 feet makes it easy for me to do things that I struggle with at home. Like hike, sit outside and enjoy the breeze, or ride a horse.

Yes, I am riding a fucking horse! And I like it! I started for the kids, of course. Sydney Beth and Jonny love to ride, and it's good for them. The stables here are awesome, and the lady who runs the joint treats my kids like her own. I don't have to worry about a disinterested teenager being in charge. Because of my allergies, I still can't wallow about in the barn, and I'm not too disappointed about that. But I can ride, and I like it! And by golly, I think I'm getting good at it.

I love sitting tall on the saddle and watching the scenery. I love being in the back of a trail ride and watching my kids gain skills and independence as they ride. I love working on my posture, talking to the horse, arguing with the horse. Yes, I love a horse with a little bit of sass. Some things don't change.

Last week, I was riding up a hill with the kids and the guide. My cell phone fell out of pocket (county mouse rule: cell phones go in the front pocket). I stopped the horse, got off the horse, got the phone, and got back on that horse! All by my damn self! I was so proud of myself I nearly burst. And the kids could hardly stand it.

I celebrated that evening by catching a toad for the kids to look at before setting him free again. I screamed the whole time, but I caught that motherfucker. Smores and a campfire were to follow.

Don't tell anyone though, I have a rep to protect.